“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes” – W. C. Fields

Nope, no water here…

The average human is about 70% water.  The rest amounts to about $160 in trace elements and social media profiles.  So, water is very nearly as important to us as Facebook likes.  It’s too bad this ball of dirt we call home has so little of it.  Hold on cowpoke, you’re probably saying, doesn’t water cover about 71% of the Earth?  Why yes that’s true Skippy, but 96.5% of that is in the oceans, and ocean water is about as good at quenching thirst as Zima.  When it comes to freshwater of the variety you can drink (not even accounting for when its laden with toxic chemicals that make your children grow tails and fail standardized tests, intestinal parasites that colonize your organs, or overzealous bacteria),  70% of the Earth’s freshwater is locked in the ice caps.  Great you say, if push comes to shove let’s get busy with the global warming and melt those puppies – right into the salty ocean, where of course it becomes undrinkable.  Bad plan.

Now, I don’t particularly like to think about the end of the world if I can avoid it as such speculations cater to my many neuroses, but  the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, a nonprofit that sets the famous Doomsday Clock, just moved us to two-and-a-half minutes from midnight, the closest it’s been to midnight since 1953.  Every year the big brains at the Atomic Bulletin consider the vast range of existential threats to humanity, and based on how close we are to nuclear holocaust, an anti-human singularity, runaway greenhouse effects or other ways in which we may murder ourselves, adjust our doom accordingly.  Luckily we are a resilient species, like cockroaches, so at least a breeding population of us will probably survive most man-made, non-divinely inspired apocalypses through a combination of adaptability and moxy, but if you had to take odds on it, in all likelihood our species will just die thirsty.

We like to imagine all sorts of horrible ends for humanity, but the truth is we’ll probably just run out of stuff to drink (I mean let’s face it, you need at least a little water to make whiskey).  Less than 1% of the world’s freshwater is readily accessible and only 6 countries (Brazil, Russia, Canada, Indonesia, China and Colombia) have 50 percent of the world’s freshwater reserves.  I know Canada is looking a little nervous.  There are of course lots of other problems that lack of freshwater entails, like famine, disease, and global conflict over one of the most precious resources, but mostly we’ll just dehydrate.

Already, twenty-one of the world’s 37 largest aquifers have passed the tipping point, in that we’ve steadily removed more water than can effectively be replaced through natural means.  The Washington Post recently quoted Jay Famiglietti, senior water scientist at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, a guy who is obviously trying to stay on top of the problem as saying, ““The water table is dropping all over the world…There’s not an infinite supply of water.”

We can live without a lot of things.  Water isn’t one of them.  While the odds of being immolated in an atomic fireball, succumbing to insidious biological or chemical terrorism, being hit by an asteroid, discombobulated by a gamma ray burst, or bumping up against the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are not zero, chances are unless we start looking for some nice water planets to harvest from, doomsday will simply be dry.  Then again, we’re pretty efficient at inventing new ways to drive ourselves to extinction.   As William Langewiesche said, “You should not see the desert simply as some faraway place of little rain. There are many forms of thirst”.